Abandon

From my balcony, I can see an abandoned movie theater. Tinseltown stands like sad, proud solider, full of untold stories of times not too long ago. As I ran past the building tonight, I was in awe of its beauty and grace. There's something stunning about an abandoned structure.

These photos are a visual representation of what my heart looks like, and I'm sure many others' look the same.

We've all been abandoned. Maybe it was a parent, a sibling, a significant other, a friend. Maybe it was intentional on his or her behalf, or maybe it wasn't. Regardless, there isn't a feeling in the world like the hurt that comes with the view of tail lights, whether they are literal or figurative. For some, this hurt grows like a cancer that spreads beyond the heart into every nook and cranny of every breath. 

I've been there before, stranded in the dark depths of gloom. It wasn't something that I chose for myself, and the struggle to overcome the pain was long and desperate:

Lights. Camera. Action.

here
we
gooooooo.

falling, falling.
head over heels.
tumbling, sprialing through darkness.
searching. reaching. for something, anything.

nothing.

head swimming. chest pounding. heart racing. 
gasping. can't breathe.
eyes fly open as consciousness attacks.

grip the bed like it's going to make this go away.
stupid girl.
cling to reality, but nothing trumps this nightmare.

it's far too real to escape.
consuming. frightening. 
lasting.
beyond REM this haunts you.

brush your teeth.
comb your hair.
close your eyes.
and still it's there.
always there.

walk to class.
pretend to learn.
it's inside of you.
a slow, painful burn.
the undying fire.

you always wanted a flame inside.
driving you.
fueling you.
but passion, not this.
be careful what you wish for.

fight it.
screaming. 
thrashing.
agony.
silence.

a sigh of relief.
it's finally gone.
smile just a bit bigger.
breathe just a bit easier.
sleep just a bit better.

until it comes back worse than ever.
taunting you.
mocking you.
will it ever leave?

start running.
poor child, always fleeing from the torture.
off you go.
to the barren wasteland that offers no help.
head in your hands.
collapse from the weight of it bearing down on you again.
find the strength to keep going.
please.

please.

it's less of a bonfire, more of a chemical spill.
call the haz-mat man.
he's coming but not fast enough.
racing the noise.
can you hear it?
thud. thud.
thud.

thud.



thud.
stop. listen.
hear the sound of a breaking heart.

There was a physical aching in my heart every second that I was awake, and I couldn't sleep for the fear of having another night terror. I was abandoned.

As I'm writing this, George Strait is in the background singing,

How could you go what you gone and done to me? I wouldn't treat a dog the way you treated me.

and

But when they do you like that, what can you do but go on?

Indeed, life does go on, but it seems to go on without you. I felt like the old theater- abandoned for all to see while destructing slowly but surely.

Looking out into the Louisiana night, I still see the landscape of my heart stretching from my window. The theater has faded into darkness, but glowing behind it are three tall crosses bathed by spotlights. These crosses rise from beyond the interstate for all to see. Their presence and light are the focus of the surroundings. God emerges from the ever present, constantly occurring darkness to stand behind the abandoned Tinseltown. 

The story of my heart reads exactly the same. When I can't see for the blinding pain, the persistent darkness, the painful reality, He is there to shine His light:

i sit here alone in the middle of this dark and empty room.

as the shadows swallow me whole, the pain begins to explode.

i rub my eyes full of dirt and slash the soles of my feet to keep me from going back there.

it bubbles just below the surface like acid ready to destroy.

the question is how can you ruin what is already damaged?

in quiet agony i hide the disastrous storm raging inside.

silent screaming, my plea for help, muffled by my straining smile.

torture reigns inside, pulling left, right, left, right. tearing me to shreds.

i lie to believe that this will all be okay and that it'll all fade away into the night.

as dawn breaks, my eyes burn not with the horrors of the world,

but instead with the terrors rampaging my mind, leaving a wake of destruction.

my surfing skills are lacking, and i haven't swam in years.

so here i am desperately drowning in a failed attempt to keep my head above water.

a weak and melancholy arm is outstretched toward the ever vanishing surface.

a patient hand reaches down to pull me from the depths of darkness caving in.

breathing life into me, He forever surrounds my unworthiness with His love and grace.

my lifeless eyes gaze blankly at His compassionate face.

ducking my head in shame, in pain, i turn around and run away.

pushing aside the only one who can seal the cracks of my shattered heart.

a million tiny shards cut the tender hands of the one who sacrificed it all.

through the tears and blood, He perseveres to give me everything.

the last thing i see as my tired eyes close is the sight of His forgiveness.

He carries me to safety, to a place He can teach me a life i've never known.

a life i cannot expect to be easy enough to handle on my own.

a life of new beginnings, full of lessons to be learned, tears to be cried, and battles to be won.

a life consumed by Him passionately pursuing my bruised and broken heart, worthless as it is.

a life of striving to be more like Him, dying to live in Him, and loving as He loves me.

"[The King], the one who adopted me as His own, doesn't force His presence on me... He takes what is given." He's patiently waiting in the wings for you to run into his arms after your performance, no matter whether you had a grand finale, an embarrassing fall, or an absent partner.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

So when the darkness comes, follow George's advice, look toward Jesus, and baby run.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ck