Abandon

From my balcony, I can see an abandoned movie theater. Tinseltown stands like sad, proud solider, full of untold stories of times not too long ago. As I ran past the building tonight, I was in awe of its beauty and grace. There's something stunning about an abandoned structure.

These photos are a visual representation of what my heart looks like, and I'm sure many others' look the same.

We've all been abandoned. Maybe it was a parent, a sibling, a significant other, a friend. Maybe it was intentional on his or her behalf, or maybe it wasn't. Regardless, there isn't a feeling in the world like the hurt that comes with the view of tail lights, whether they are literal or figurative. For some, this hurt grows like a cancer that spreads beyond the heart into every nook and cranny of every breath. 

I've been there before, stranded in the dark depths of gloom. It wasn't something that I chose for myself, and the struggle to overcome the pain was long and desperate:

Lights. Camera. Action.

here
we
gooooooo.

falling, falling.
head over heels.
tumbling, sprialing through darkness.
searching. reaching. for something, anything.

nothing.

head swimming. chest pounding. heart racing. 
gasping. can't breathe.
eyes fly open as consciousness attacks.

grip the bed like it's going to make this go away.
stupid girl.
cling to reality, but nothing trumps this nightmare.

it's far too real to escape.
consuming. frightening. 
lasting.
beyond REM this haunts you.

brush your teeth.
comb your hair.
close your eyes.
and still it's there.
always there.

walk to class.
pretend to learn.
it's inside of you.
a slow, painful burn.
the undying fire.

you always wanted a flame inside.
driving you.
fueling you.
but passion, not this.
be careful what you wish for.

fight it.
screaming. 
thrashing.
agony.
silence.

a sigh of relief.
it's finally gone.
smile just a bit bigger.
breathe just a bit easier.
sleep just a bit better.

until it comes back worse than ever.
taunting you.
mocking you.
will it ever leave?

start running.
poor child, always fleeing from the torture.
off you go.
to the barren wasteland that offers no help.
head in your hands.
collapse from the weight of it bearing down on you again.
find the strength to keep going.
please.

please.

it's less of a bonfire, more of a chemical spill.
call the haz-mat man.
he's coming but not fast enough.
racing the noise.
can you hear it?
thud. thud.
thud.

thud.



thud.
stop. listen.
hear the sound of a breaking heart.

There was a physical aching in my heart every second that I was awake, and I couldn't sleep for the fear of having another night terror. I was abandoned.

As I'm writing this, George Strait is in the background singing,

How could you go what you gone and done to me? I wouldn't treat a dog the way you treated me.

and

But when they do you like that, what can you do but go on?

Indeed, life does go on, but it seems to go on without you. I felt like the old theater- abandoned for all to see while destructing slowly but surely.

Looking out into the Louisiana night, I still see the landscape of my heart stretching from my window. The theater has faded into darkness, but glowing behind it are three tall crosses bathed by spotlights. These crosses rise from beyond the interstate for all to see. Their presence and light are the focus of the surroundings. God emerges from the ever present, constantly occurring darkness to stand behind the abandoned Tinseltown. 

The story of my heart reads exactly the same. When I can't see for the blinding pain, the persistent darkness, the painful reality, He is there to shine His light:

i sit here alone in the middle of this dark and empty room.

as the shadows swallow me whole, the pain begins to explode.

i rub my eyes full of dirt and slash the soles of my feet to keep me from going back there.

it bubbles just below the surface like acid ready to destroy.

the question is how can you ruin what is already damaged?

in quiet agony i hide the disastrous storm raging inside.

silent screaming, my plea for help, muffled by my straining smile.

torture reigns inside, pulling left, right, left, right. tearing me to shreds.

i lie to believe that this will all be okay and that it'll all fade away into the night.

as dawn breaks, my eyes burn not with the horrors of the world,

but instead with the terrors rampaging my mind, leaving a wake of destruction.

my surfing skills are lacking, and i haven't swam in years.

so here i am desperately drowning in a failed attempt to keep my head above water.

a weak and melancholy arm is outstretched toward the ever vanishing surface.

a patient hand reaches down to pull me from the depths of darkness caving in.

breathing life into me, He forever surrounds my unworthiness with His love and grace.

my lifeless eyes gaze blankly at His compassionate face.

ducking my head in shame, in pain, i turn around and run away.

pushing aside the only one who can seal the cracks of my shattered heart.

a million tiny shards cut the tender hands of the one who sacrificed it all.

through the tears and blood, He perseveres to give me everything.

the last thing i see as my tired eyes close is the sight of His forgiveness.

He carries me to safety, to a place He can teach me a life i've never known.

a life i cannot expect to be easy enough to handle on my own.

a life of new beginnings, full of lessons to be learned, tears to be cried, and battles to be won.

a life consumed by Him passionately pursuing my bruised and broken heart, worthless as it is.

a life of striving to be more like Him, dying to live in Him, and loving as He loves me.

"[The King], the one who adopted me as His own, doesn't force His presence on me... He takes what is given." He's patiently waiting in the wings for you to run into his arms after your performance, no matter whether you had a grand finale, an embarrassing fall, or an absent partner.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

So when the darkness comes, follow George's advice, look toward Jesus, and baby run.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ck

Stillness

"He says, 'Be still and know that I am God.'" Psalm 46:10a

I've been praying for guidance and direction, for His will and His plans. Well guess what? He answered. In the stillness of my apartment, God's words echoed loudly, and He put two distinct images in my heart.

The first image was of a hunter in a deer blind on a crisp fall morning. The hunter has to prepare his equipment the night before, wake up early, and drive to the ranch. After all this effort, he then has to sit patiently and quietly until the moment arrives. In this waiting, the stillness of the morning sets in. This is what the hunter has dreamed of, what he lives for. There's a calm excitement building as he knows the animal is approaching. His senses are alive knowing that his destiny awaits.

The second image was of a fisherman, rising with the sun to embark upon his voyage. The purple, orange, and pink sherbet hued sky is a backdrop for the serene ocean that stretches before him. A fisherman must be patient, waiting to discover the wonders that lay below and in front of him. The stillness of the water speaks quietly of the adventure to come. He doesn't know where the waves will take him, but he is sure that he will be where he needs to be.

God has plans for me, but He will reveal them in His time. I have never been more confident of this. I am a hunter, I am a fisherman, and I am a child of God. The stillness in my heart only tells of adventures to come. 


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Praise God for He is good!

xoxox
ck

SKYPE!

I MUST SKYPE BOTH OF YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!! I HAVE TO MUCH TO SAY TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN!

-KAY

Father's Day

I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to a few very special men:

Vic Kastner: my dad is the best. Obviously #1 in the whole world. I miss him a lot, and I wish I was home so I could celebrate this day with him!

Grandpa: the wisest, most knowledgeable grandfather I could ever ask for. 2000 miles away, but always the voice in my head giving the best advice.

Jerry Williamson: my other dad, and Kalyn's father. He is a wonderful man with an awesome mustache and an incredible man.

Poppa Hay: Haymaker's dad. He has a great son, and I'm sure he is an equally great man.

The father of my future children:

A picture says a thousand words, and all I can say is "HOT DANG- our kids will be gorgeous!"

Last, but definitely not least, a Happy Father's Day to our Father above. An unconditional love is poured out for us from the Heavens. He is the Father of Fathers, the King of Kings. How blessed am I to be the daughter of an incredible earthly father and the ultimate Heavenly Father!!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

xoxox
Courts

Inspired

"Live, I want to live inspired. Die, I want to die for something higher than myself. Live and die for anyone else. The more I live I see this life's not about me."

Occasionally, I feel incredibly inspired and small bits of poetry flow from my fingertips. Here are some of my favorites:

The city lights shine bright
With the eager anticipation of youth
Spilling hope that falls to pieces
Against the hardness of the world
A million miles above, the world seems so far
Reality hits hard when you only know how to fall
A familiar smile picks you up and rights the wrongs but
The pull on your heartstrings reminds you of
Things that never were and may never be
For a moment you allow yourself to fold into the shadows
To do what you shouldn't and breathe him in
In a dizzying stagger back into the light
You tell yourself never again will you think of this
Until you stand beneath the starless night sky
Remembering that the city lights shine bright
With the eager anticipation of youth
Spilling hope that falls to pieces
Against the hardness of the world

The blisters on my feet remind me where I've been and
The scars covering my hands remind me what I've done but
In this midnight rain I will dance and I will sing
The raindrops fuse with the tears on my skin like
Watery memoirs of hope and happiness and
The new life that springs up from my darkest days
A phoenix rising from the ashes with wings of victory




Thoughts roll through my mind like the storm across the sky, but none of this is as beautiful as you. Your smile lights up a room like a flash of dazzling lightning. Each raindrop lands as a tender kiss falling from your sweet lips. And in the rolling, booming thunder I hear every laugh we've ever shared. The growth that springs eternal from this summer rain is but a fraction of the love that we discover every day. 

xoxoxo

ck

Prayer

I ask you, brothers and sisters, to keep me in your prayers.

I have many decisions I will be making in the next 12 months that are kind of important. I'll decide what to do after graduation (spring '12), where to live, what church to attend, etc. I don't feel ready to make these decisions. I feel young and vulnerable, like my life is flying by too quickly. What happened to college and late nights and junk food and sleeping in? I pack a sandwich for work every day, get in bed by 9:30 pm, and wake up at 5:15 am. I am barely able to talk with many of my friends because our schedules are completely opposite. I'm 600 miles from my parents and 800 miles from my college family. And if I decide to go to grad school, there's a good chance I'll be twice as far away.

There are things that I absolutely love about the working life though. I can come home from work and relax. There's not piles of homework and pages of studying waiting for me after a day of classes. I am on a more regular schedule, eating better, and working out more. I have every other Friday off, which means 4 day weeks and 3 day weekends twice a month. And the Fridays I do have to work, my paycheck makes it enjoyable. The food down here is incredible. I can get shrimp for $4/lb. The people are hometown friendly with Southern hospitality, and that reminds me of home. The company I work for is incredible, successful, challenging, and encouraging.


Then come the decisions of the heart. As I'm far removed from my friends and my family, I find myself missing these people. I have started to meet people, so maybe this will subside a bit, but it is to be expected.

I miss my mother, but she calls enough that it's not too bad. I miss my daddy, and I wish I could be there with him for Father's Day! I miss Kyle, so we talk on the phone about how he's hacking his wii to run linux on it. I miss my college family, and my woocows in particular. I miss Dustin, and envy his energy for full-time work. I miss Emmy, even though she's a gaggie now. I miss Jason, and we text enough to make up for it. I miss Mack, but hopefully she'll get to see me after kamp. And there are many, many others that I miss.

I miss one guy more than I ever expected though. He is a sweet, solid guy who makes me laugh and encourages me with sweet words. I find myself having a zillion things I want to talk about and share with him. I think about what it would be like if we dated. And I wonder if he feels the same way.

Pray for me, friends. For guidance and direction, mostly. I would ask to pray for good looks, but we all know I already have that in abundance.
:)


Pray for me, as I pray for you.


"I always thank God for you because of His grace given you in Christ Jesus." 1 Corinthians 1:4
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy." Philippians 1:3-4
"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you." Colossians 1:3
"He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God.'" Psalm 46:10a


xoxo
c

I Have Ran Out of Ideas for Titles but the Woocows are Plentiful

As the story goes, I have been in Wyoming now for approximately a week. The one thing that I have found to love about this place is its beauty. I’ve been a place or two in my lifetime and I would have no choice than to put this up on the list of beautiful places; probably up at the top.

Today, after getting off work, I went for a short hike to stare the Teton Range in its face. Looking out over the Willow Flats to the base of the mountains, I noticed several herds of elk roaming around and let me just say it was awesome! The sun was setting just beyond the mountains and it felt so calm. This spawned the idea to sit and relax, maybe even read a book out in the wild. I reach into my back pack and stumble upon the bible.

To change stories a touch, the past week that I have been here, something that I have noticed is come evening time when everyone is off work there is not much for employees to do considering the closest town is about 40 miles away. As young adults, most of whom are over the age of 21, it is a natural instinct to grab a drink. I however have yet to reach that valiant age, and the laws in Wyoming are rather strict. Under most circumstances, I would try many things to sneak under this law, however since I have been here, and in my recent past, drinking has not been as great a priority in my life as it once was. Anyways, while most of the employees who live in the employee village like to “loosen up” at night, I have been partaking in much personal pondering. I have been trying not to get involved in their activities, not only for the fact that I could get in large quantities of trouble but because as a Christian, underage drinking is slightly frowned upon. As much as I would like to get involved with this, each and every time I do drink the guilt overwhelms me.

 Back to where I was pulling my bible out of my pack, my reading for the day included Judges Chapter 3. Verses 1- 11 seemed pretty fitting to my situation. It is saying that the Lord tested the Israelites by putting them in a place of much temptation and seeing how well they hold up. Well they didn’t do so hot and bad things happened to them. I do not want that to be me. Soon this chapter will be renamed “Ryan Haymaker in Wyoming”. I’m not trying to say that drinking is always wrong because honestly there is a memory or two that probably wouldn’t be there if the substance wasn’t there, but at this strange and interesting time in my life, I will try my hardest to avoid the temptation.

                                                       Hope everyone is doing swimmingly! Love ya’ll, Haymaker

Love

I have lots of love in my heart at the moment. For my sweet friends, for rolling thunder and falling rain, for the man I will someday marry, whoever he may be. Love is my language, and this is my heart:

You. Are. Beautiful.



just a kiss on  your lips in the moonlight, just a touch in the fire burning so bright.

 

 plus

 equals

:)

friends, football, texas tech, football, friends, mustaches: the reasons i live and breathe.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13


It's just really crazy to me that I can be so happy and have a heart so full of love right now. I can only imagine what I'll feel when I'm with the person I'll get to spend the rest of my life with. And then, even greater will be the day I get to the kingdom set out for me, to spend the rest of eternity with Jesus. I cannot imagine being showered with that pure, unconditional love. 


Oh, glorious day!




xoxoxo
ck

Pura Vida

                Getting ready to live in a new place and start a new adventure in my life, I sit at Terminal A of Denver International Airport awaiting my flight to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. With all the adventures and fun times I have had at this point in the summer, I could already say its been a good summer and head back to school, however it is very far from time to go back to school.

                Last Thursday, I returned back to my home in Houston from Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica from a mission trip where I joined 14 others including Al Martin and Zack Esgar. Back in December when I first heard about this trip, I had had no idea what to expect. Josh Hurst approached me during free lunch and told me that the Wesley is trying to put together a team to go to Costa Rica to a skatepark ministry to help spread the love of God. 3 of my favorites: traveling, skateboarding, and sharing God’s love. Done! I was going to find a way to go to Costa Rica, if for no other reasons than those listed above. Little did I know how much this journey would impact my life.

                We arrived in San Jose, CR and took a 5 hour bus ride to the small surf community of Puerto Viejo. The drive was beautiful going through the coffee and banana plantations and the mountains and valleys of the rainforests of Costa Rica. We got to our hotel which was a quaint place located directly on one of the beautiful beaches of the Caribbean. There was nothing wrong with the hotel, purse, however there were some differences that took a tad bit of getting used to. Coming from 15 years of living in Houston, I didn’t think the heat and humidity would cause me a problem, not realizing there would be zero air conditioning in CR. From the time we exited the doors of the airport to the time we went through those same doors ten days later, I was hot and sweating. This was the main reason I spent those ten nights sleeping in a hammock outside on the balcony of our hotel. This was actually a rather pleasant experience because falling asleep to the sounds of waves crashing was not all that bad, minus a few near attacks of small predators. Another thing that took some getting used to was you could not flush toilet paper in the toilets…and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

                Our first day consisted of an orientation about what we would be doing with the ministry “Concrete Jungle”, which indeed did find its inspiration from the Bob Marley song. After orientation, we went on a city immersion of Puerto Viejo to learn about the culture. It quickly became prevalent that there was little enforcement on illegal drug activity here as you could smell it everywhere. The locals were surprisingly friendly and helpful to us tourists. One of my favorite parts of this trip was trying the local Costa Rican cuisine which amazing. The main foods that were served with almost all meals were rice and beans. I also got to try a smorgasbord of new exotic fruits including sea apple, mango, guava, cas, starfruit, passion fruit, and papaya.

                The next day began the work of our actual mission because up to this point it felt like no more than a vacation which I was not complaining about. Part of the reason we were down there was to construct a house for a single mother of 4 who did not currently have a permanent home. We had 6 work days of 6 hours each day to help build the house. The weather was a scorcher and the days were long but the fellowship and relationships that we built took away any complaints we might have had. The managers of the project were some of the most amazing guys I’ve met. Only one spoke mild English but communicating through mannerisms was a system that worked without fail. You don’t need to speak the same language to appreciate a smile, and to get a smile out of anyone down there helped to remind me of my main purpose of being there; to love others as myself and make them happy, and to see that a smile was all it was about. For lunch, we would make sandwiches and have them mid day, but on one of our workdays, the mother who we were building the house for came out and cooked beef and chicken kabobs for our team. It was such an honor for her to treat us in this way but again to see the smile on her face from the moment she arrived at her future house to the moment she left impacted me more than a simple chicken kabob ever could. Two of the nights that we were down there were skate nights at the park. This was especially fun and humbling for me because there were kids half my age doing things on their boards that I could only dream of. The use of this skatepark was a rather creative way of bringing folks around a good Christian environment. The church and skatepark were in one facility so the kids who came to ride the park would be introduced to something else. Finding a medium like the park that many people of this surfing community could enjoy was a sure way to bring people to church.

                This mission trip was the seed of many ideas in my mind to be a disciple of Christ, something that I will hope I will be able to carry on while I live a new chapter of life in Wyoming. I will spend the next five months of my life in a new place, making new friends and gaining new experiences as I work as a culinary intern in a hotel in Grand Teton National Park. All the way back during the spring semester at Texas Tech when I had my phone interview to now, I have been looking forward to this moment and this chapter begins now.

                                                                                                           Love yall, Haymaker:)